My Stand

Almost everyday in 18 years of my life, I have been listening to my mum’s lectures. To me, most of what she said are useless. Well, being an 18-year-old teenager, you would pretty much expect me to be rebellious. However useless her lectures are (to me), there have been two sentences that have been rooted in me ever since I was young.

“People exist for a reason.”

“In this world, God has given you two arms and two legs. You are bound to have a place to stand in this vast world.”

This was what she always says when I lose confidence in doing something or when I hit rock bottom, especially in my studies.

Somehow, I found solace in her words. Hope seemed to exude into the atmosphere when she said those words. I was 6 years old back then. Now, I am starting to doubt her words.

My stand is not really important anymore nowadays. Everything I do, people give suggestions and expect me to heed their groundless advice. As a result, I start to contradict myself in making important decisions. Why? It has dawned on me that my decision is also another’s decision. One wrong step and I will be the one to bear the consequences if anything happens to the next guy. One wrong idea and people will start pointing fingers at my flaws.

Now, how am I supposed to support my own stand? I have literally no idea. There should be people in your life who would say these words right?

“ Never regret your decisions.”

“ I will support you no matter what you choose. Just follow your heart.”

If you have people like this in your life, please do me a favour : Go up to them and give them a ginormous hug.

I have to admit that I am a privileged child. I have never been the one to worry about money and education and I am grateful for that. Teachers, private tutors, parents, I have them all. For 18 years of my life, they are always there to guide me through thick and thin.

“Mum, can I take up cooking classes? I want to hone my skills so that I can have the chance to win the competition.”

“ Cooking classes? You are not becoming a baker in the future. Spend your time wisely. You should be studying right now instead of having those meaningless thoughts.”

See? Educated parents are always like that. They do what they think is best for their children. Little do they know that their thinking are impeding their children from creating their own path in life. Yes, they are literally crushing your dreams.

Like me, they don’t have their stand in life. My own two feet are so shaky that when I pass through a jostling crowd, I move along with them. Everytime I walk, I feel that these two feet are created by someone else. Does creativity even exist in me? Without my parents, I always ponder on how my life will be in 50 years.

Sometimes, I am lost for words. I had written and read what others had prepared for me ; I am used to speaking what others had written ; I wish I have learnt how to put into words the feelings I have right now. I am devoid of my own thoughts, when I have every right to think and do what I want in my life.

Teachers, parents, etc. They are obliged to teach and nurture. This has and has been their profession several centuries before.

But is this a good thing? Our minds have been shaped in a way that most of the time we can’t even think for ourselves. Is this supposed to be a good path? An absolute answer? I can’t help but to think of the possibilities of my question.

It is 2:00 a.m. in the morning when I wrote this and I kept on asking myself. Why can’t I be my older self, when sleeping would never be a problem?

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